News You Can Use
by Keeping Secrets of Silent Earth
Summary: The hopes of a single Mudokon working in an unspecified region of SoulStorm Brewery. Escape sounds nice, doesn't it? But Abe can't help everyone. Oneshot.


"Buh?" I dropped my pick on the foot of the blind Mudokon next to me, and he stumbled around before falling off the wall. The familiar Magog on the March theme music had just played loudly over the wide speakers on the gigantic TV screen above us.

"Yeah, uh, what do I do again?" The Slig's gravelly head was directed toward something offscreen. "We still have another few minutes, don't we--ow!" An empty Brew bottle ricocheted off his head and he turned to the camera. "Dammit," he muttered under his breath as the tentacles on his face fluttered. "You're watchin' Magog onna March," he said into his mic, "News… uh… it's hard to lose? Anyway, that blue guy widda stitch-mouth Abe is apparently now stormin' his way through SoulStorm Brewery, where the center of our profits apparently come from, and where I was guarding until a few weeks ago." He looked off the camera again. "Hey, so that's why they let me have an extra five minutes on my coffee break." He focused his gaze back on the camera. "Anyhow, I'm sure you all remember what Abe looks like. Slig guards, be extra extra careful of that chanty-thing he does. If you hear something that sounds like it could be a Mud chanting, your best hope is to run back and forth, flailing around all crazy-like and shout for help until another Slig saves your stupid ass. Although you better help it's someone who's not me, 'cuz I won't lift a finger, ya lazy butts." The Slig shrugged. "We now go live to Glukkon director of profits Muula for his personal opinion on the subject."

The camera cut to Muula in front of a few microphones. "That bastitch is bleedin' all our bucks! Ya killin' me, Abe! Ya killin' me! And if you come anywhere near Fee Co., I'M KILLIN' YOU! Ya got me?" He looked to the right of the stage. "How was that? Yeah, I think the bastard got it."

The Slig announcer filled up the screen again. "Thanks, Muula… incidentally, my paycheck is late. Yeah, uh, this message brought to you by Weenie Babies, new from RuptureFarms… sausage has never been this much fun!" The screen winked out.

"What's that Slig guy's name, anyway?" One of the Mudokons working next to me asked another.

"Dunno. He's sure funny-lookin', though."

I didn't listen much. My name's Jeb. I've been working here at the Glukkons' mining operation for a really long time now. All my life I wished that cool guy Abe would come and save us so we could go back home.

"Listen, guys," I said to anyone who was listening. "Abe might be comin' here! We might get to be free, huh?"

"I dunno, Jeb. I almost sorta like this gig." A high, soft voice came from a few feet to my right. I turned around.

"Whaddaya mean, Mag?"

"Well, I mean, they let us drink the Brew and eat the Weenie Babies…" A few rows down, a Mudokon collapsed, throwing up into the bone pit. "And we get life insurance."

"Life insurance?" I never heard about that part.

"Yeah, if you die, they shoot the guy who kills ya."

"Sweet deal," mumbled a Mudokon nearby.

"You guys don't wanna go back to life before Phleg an' Aslik an'… that other guy enslaved us all? What's the point of life insurance if nobody tries to kill ya?" I hoped to stun them with that little bit of logic.

No one seemed stunned.

"I didn't think life insurance really had a point anyway," said another Mudokon. "Insurance is just… there. And if you wanna use it you gotta go through all this paper you don't understand, and then you lose the insurance money payin' the guy who helped you get it."

There was a general positive murmur at that.

"C'mon, everyone," I said, dropping my pick and stepping up onto a raised platform. "I can't be the only one who wants to get outta here! Didja all get brainwashed? I wanna go back to the forests! I wanna see Monsaic Lines again! Please?"

All in all, I guess it was pretty good that I was up on that platform. All of a sudden a whole lotta mine carts just came through and pummeled a lot of those poor Mudokon buddies of mine. The Sligs drivin' didn't even care! They just kept on rollin', and somewhere I heard an alarm go off.

Hey… maybe Abe was here!

Tryin' not to step on my dead pals, I squished and crunched my way along to the service elevator. I hoped I would find Abe somewhere up there.

But as I got to the top of the elevator shaft and stepped out, I heard…

"Hey you! Getta work!"

I sighed and picked up another pick, crouchin' down all alone with a nasty ol' Slig guard. I hoped Abe would come through here on his way.

Those few minutes pickin' at the bones might've been just about the longest few minutes of my life. I jumped at every footstep, lookin' around to see what was goin' on and getting back to work before that Slig guy could start beating me up.

From far off, I heard a Slig say "freeze!" and some gunshots. I ducked, but it wasn't my guard. Then suddenly the Slig started yelling and running around.

I looked up. My Slig guard was watching the other one, too. It was walkin' around all clumsy-like, almost falling sideways a couple times.

"Hi," it said in a weird voice to my guard.

"Hi," said the guard, kinda uncertainly.

"Look out!" the other Slig shouted.

I threw my whole self down on that floor as the machine gun bullets tore right through that Slig guard, whizzing over my heard and eventually making the Slig burst. Then suddenly, the Slig who shot my guard blew up, too!

"Heh heh heh!"

That was the voice of another Mudokon! I kept my eyes on my work, tryin' not to hope too much. I heard footsteps, runnin' up behind me, then…

"'Ello."

I stood up and turned around. There was a blue Mudokon with his mouth stitched shut. It was Abe!

"Hi!"

Abe turned around and motioned with his three-fingered paw. "Follow me!"

"Uh, okay." I ran after Abe. I couldn't believe I was finally lucky enough to just maybe get outta here. And with Abe, no less!

He stopped running, and I stopped too, right before I slammed into his back. He started chanting, making this weird face. Suddenly a bunch of birds flyin' around turned into a gate made up of energy. Beyond it I could see hundreds more Mudokons waiting there, cheering and waiting for me to be free…

I dashed to the portal, about to jump through. Then I stopped for a second, turnin' my head around. "Hey, Abe?"

"What? Uh, yeah, that's me." Abe looked kinda nervous.

I smiled. "Thanks."

"You're, uh… you're welcome, I guess." He smiled a little, but kept looking all around, like he expected someone to show up any time now—

"Freeze!"

I looked around quickly and saw a huge face of tentacles poking a gun at Abe. Abe gave a yelp and dashed toward a ledge, jumpin' up and grabbing it.

The Slig fired his gun.

I tried to step backward through the portal, but stumbled over my feet as I watched the bullets roar toward me in slow motion. Little tiny flecks of metal flew right toward my belly, makin' the most horrible sound as they tore through the air towards me. I had almost picked myself up, and I was about to dash through the portal, which was so mercifully open. I was up, turned, and tensed to spring.

I jumped!

My fingers flew out ahead of me, and I felt one tingle as it breached the energy gate, getting ready to travel to the world that lay beyond. I smiled as I prepared to cross through here, out of the enslavement and into—

A bullet pierced my spine.

I gave a big choking gasp and coughed blood on the floor. The other bullet drilled into the base of my skull, knocking my head forward and lodging up in my head. I couldn't move, and all I could feel was a sudden stabbin' regret and a whole lot of pain.

Abe, I tried to say. Why couldn't ya save me? I tried to make my eyes focus on the ledge where he was, but they just weren't workin' anymore. But before my ears gave out, I just heard one last sound.

"Oops." 


End file.
